Spiritual Development for Intimate Relationships
Conscious relationships require intentionality, courage, and commitment.
Relationship as Possibility
If you have ever been in an intimate relationship, then you know the intensity it brings—intense love and joy as well as intense friction and heartache. A relationship is not defined by either end of this intensity spectrum, but instead by how the partners relate to and work with the challenges that inevitably arise within themselves and between each other.
If we think that conflicts should not happen in a partnership, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. To fully enter into an intimate relationship is to choose one of the most direct paths to living a life filled with love, compassion, and understanding. However, the directness does not imply easiness!
The great challenges of relationships imply the immense opportunities held within the coming together of two beings. This work asks for attention, discipline, and flexibility. A relationship will not be all that it could be without both people honestly and authentically working on themselves and working together. Unless both people desire growth and liberation, the relationship will be limited.
What do you think an intimate partnership could be? What vision do you hold in your heart? Let’s move toward that reality together.
Love and Triggers
Our attraction toward another can feel like a double-edged sword. We gravitate toward the love and expansiveness we feel with them. We are opened. We experience a part of ourselves that feels free, relaxed, courageous, and inspired. We access an energy that is unparalleled to other life experiences.
However, this same person often holds the key that unlocks the places within ourselves that we have locked away. The places that we are afraid to touch. The ones we have neglected and hidden, often unknowingly at a very young age. This is actually not a problem if seen through the appropriate lens. If it is seen as an opportunity, then the relationship can be a Liberationship, where our deepest fears and constrictions can be seen, loved, and freed.
“Our soul recognizes those who can help us in this search. Yet when we recognize potential soul partners, something about them may also be disturbing. Even though we may feel instantly attracted and magnetized to them, they also stir and shake us up. We intuitively sense that this person could help us recover certain essential, forgotten parts of ourselves, but in doing so, will bring us up against our edges, where we also fear and resist that recovery.” - John Welwood, in Love and Awakening
Communication is the life blood of relationships. Not knowing where the other person stands, where they’re coming from, or where they want to go creates an unavoidable uneasiness. Many of us learned to “not show our cards” because it would put us at a disadvantage or in an unsafe situation. We bring this pattern into all our relationships, even if it is completely unnecessary. We unlearn habits of protection and hiding by exposing our vulnerability to our partners and trusting them to hold us in love. Receiving a different response holds great healing potential.
Practicing communication, honesty, and vulnerability are key components of this work. They dissolve walls that we might not even be aware of, yet are holding us back from closeness and intimacy. Communication is about speaking and listening. Both sides are equally important. Gaining the capacity to skillfully give and receive information about our innermost experiences is the bedrock of this work together.
Communication and Vulnerability
What We’ll Do Together
Developing Clarity - Being clear on what we want allows us to show up with integrity. When we are confused about our needs and desires, we push people away and often hurt them. Knowing what we want, holding it lightly, and not hiding our confusion are building blocks of trust between two people.
Tolerating Discomfort - Growth is not comfortable! Whether it’s a plant breaking through the seed, a chick emerging from the shell, or our muscles tearing as they build, growth involves the discomfort of shedding that which is familiar (habitual).
Growing Tenderness - Tenderness is gentleness toward our pain. Being tender with oneself and our partner when pain is present is essential to healing that pain. Opening our minds and hearts to suffering offers the space for love to enter the equation. Love is the most important ingredient and often the one that is missing when times are tough.
Communicating Openly - Giving and receiving, sharing and listening. Communication is a reciprocal process that can bring two people in harmony with one another. It allows energy to flow more freely and openly, creates movement where things are stuck, and builds trust through transparency and integrity.
Being Honest - This is possibly the most important aspect of communication. It represents truthfulness and bravery and is the soil where trust grows. Without honesty, we cannot relax with each other, we cannot let our guards down and be who we naturally are, and we cannot fully experience the love we truly desire.
When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery—that intimate relationship can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred space where we can be ourselves, as we are...This kind of unmasking—speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, and revealing our raw edges—is sacred activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply.
John Welwood